


Let Go

by Impala_Cherry_Trickster



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, BAMF Merlin (Merlin), Canon Era, Character Death, Depression, Hurt Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Hurt Merlin (Merlin), M/M, Magic Revealed, One-Sided Attraction, Or at least that's what Merlin thinks, Pining Merlin (Merlin), Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:41:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24569449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Impala_Cherry_Trickster/pseuds/Impala_Cherry_Trickster
Summary: Merlin never wanted it to go like this, for Arthur to see the monster he had become.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 62
Kudos: 433





	1. Dagger

‘Please, don’t make me do this.’ Merlin pleaded, because he hated what he’d become. How could he not, there was so much blood on his hands. So many people dead, because he was becoming exactly what he feared. They never listened, and the pounding in his head got worse, he looked to where the Knights were kneeling in the dirt. Where his King was kneeling, with a sword pressed to his throat, and Merlin bit back a sob.

‘Kill the boy, then bring the Knights. They’ll fetch a pretty sum.’ The man wasn’t even listening to him, they didn’t realise that he was a monster. That Merlin was what they should fear, the thing of nightmares, would be what Mothers told their children to hide from.

‘Please.’ He was crying. He wasn’t sure when that had started, probably when he realised there were women and children in the group of bounty hunters, on the edges of the patrol and ready to follow their men to death. The man ready to try and kill him laughed, and Merlin wondered what he’d done to deserve this life.

He only ever wanted to protect Arthur. To keep the King safe. To watch him unite Albion, which he’d done with a thrilling result. Morgana, coming back to his side and the two of them working on the laws of Magic. Now, Merlin would ruin all of that, because Arthur was never going to forgive him. It was alright, if the King was going to kill him for what he was about to do, he might as well make it a thorough job.

His hand stretched out, and Merlin called on his Magic to save him. The first three died on impact, he couldn’t help that. Ever since Arthur began to fulfil his destiny, his Magic rapidly grew more powerful. Now, a simple spell could have devastating effects. That was shown by the way they dropped down dead, and the ones behind them didn’t look too much better. Most were shoved back, and Merlin took note of the sorcerer that was trying to put up a shield.

‘You’re a traitor to your kind!’ He screamed, and Merlin clenched his fist. The shield shattered, and the sorcerer had the unfortunate luck of flying back onto a tree branch, one that went straight through his chest.

Very slowly, Merlin turned to look at the women and children. A couple were holding swords, brandishing them like it might help.

‘Please…’ One of them whispered, and Merlin felt his heart ache.

‘Are there more of you?’

‘We have a Camp, we’ll go and tell them not to look for you, I swear!’ Merlin didn’t want to hear that bit, knowing there were more of them was bad. He sighed, lowered his hand, knowing he couldn’t kill the innocents.

Until one charged, and he fought on instinct, his eyes flashing golden and his hand not moving from his side. Her body crumpled, and now another was charging at him in anger.

‘Stop, please.’ But she swung the sword, and Merlin had to duck the blow. He thought back to all those times Arthur had tried to get him to pick up a sword, and he insisted it was a useless skill. Now, he made the hilt of the blade hot, watched as she dropped it. She didn’t get the hint, came running at him once more, and he fired the spell to knock her out.

The children stayed perfectly still, one of the older girls taking a half-step forward.

‘You’re him. Emrys. The Child of the Gods.’ Merlin’s reputation was spreading quickly, and he nodded.

‘I am. Sworn to the Once and Future King.’ The thing that tied him down, that was his greatest burden. The girl nodded, grabbed at the girl by her side, began to tug her away. Fleeing, out into the trees as fast as they could, and Merlin watched them go.

When he turned, it was to a sword pressed against his chest.

Arthur had never looked more betrayed, eyes wide. Horror, anger, hurt. Things that Merlin understood all too well, he felt the same about himself. He gripped the blade, pushed it closer into his chest, felt the shirt give way as he dropped down to his knees. Bowed his head, waiting for his King to finish the job.

‘Please.’ The same word he’d said at the beginning, to try and get them to understand that he didn’t want to do this. When Arthur’s sword didn’t move, Merlin looked up. He knew he was crying, could feel tears sting the corner of his eyes.

‘Kill me.’ He hadn't known he wanted that until now, when he realised just what he’d become. A murderer, no better than Morgause or Nimueh or any of the others he’d had to stop.

‘Sorcerer.’ Arthur hissed, and Merlin watched as a Knight dared to step closer. It would either be Lancelot or Gwaine, they were the only two that might not want him dead.

‘Do it.’ He ignored the stinging word, instead kept his eyes on his King.

‘You lied to me.’ He’d done so much worse, had lost himself in the process of trying to complete Destiny.

Arthur’s sword vanished, the King turning his back, and Merlin rocked forwards onto his hands, tried to control his breathing. He’d been so close to death, had genuinely believed for a moment that the ache might stop. But Arthur was talking to his Knights, telling them that they had to understand that Magic was legal, that Merlin had done what needed to be done in the situation. That he wasn’t punishing him because he was a sorcerer, but because he’d lied.

Punishing, not by death, but by hatred. It was so much worse than anything Merlin could have predicted, and as he stared down into the dirt, he realised it would only get worse. More would die, and Merlin would slip further and further, until there was nothing left. His tears dripped down his face, staining the leaves beneath, and Merlin listened.

‘…sure we shouldn’t forgive him? He’s loyal to you, Arthur. Your rejection…’

‘I am still your King.’ Arthur snapped, and wasn’t that the truth? Arthur was his King, but somewhere along the line, Merlin had blurred the line.

His heart had fallen first, for the prattish Prince that deep down was a pure soul. Then his head had caught up with him, told him that Arthur was good. Merlin was gone, sinking under his love for the man beneath the armour, for the man that Arthur acted like behind doors.

He knew Arthur’s rejection would hurt. He’d been expecting it for so long, that when it actually came, he understood why he’d done all these things. It was easier for him to justify Arthur’s reaction, to hope it was more because of the creature he’d become, than the lies he was forced to keep to protect him.

Merlin let his hand reach for his boot, kept his movements hidden. He’d killed for the King, and now Arthur would dismiss him. He couldn’t serve him anymore, not as he was, and it made the last ounce of sanity slip away.

Maybe it was all the death. Maybe it was the fact that when he shut his eyes, it felt like he was drowning. His throat would close up, the taste of blood in his mouth, his eyes would burn with unshed tears.

Arthur was the Once and Future King, and he’d done his job.

He moved so quickly that he didn’t have time to process the pain, just found that his body seemed shocked by the dagger he’d just buried in his own chest. Floating on the pain, high above any of the voices that screamed, he could just block them out.

When he fell back, it wasn’t the hard ground he hit. It felt like a bed of moss, squidgy and soft, and he could see the bright sky above him. Cloudless, peaceful, and Merlin breathed out slowly. It was beautiful, in the end, he understood everything that held him back. All those things he’d had to do, the things he couldn’t control. His tears dried, and he let the warm sunlight engulf him, let his eyes flutter shut with the memory of Camelot fresh in his mind, of the day of Arthur’s coronation.

He let go.


	2. Merlin?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I added a second chapter

Arthur watched as his manservant pleaded, wanted to tell the idiot to run. To flee, before they decided to just get rid of him. His loyalty had always been terrifying, his commitment to Arthur had been a question that the King had pondered many a time. There was no doubting that he was on Arthur’s side, on Camelot’s side. Yet this was something else, Merlin was close to tears.

Then his eyes glowed, and Arthur’s heart broke. He’d been betrayed by so many, to see Merlin wielding Magic was… terrifying. All those feelings that Arthur had shoved down, they burst free in one wave of upset, and he was staring as Merlin rounded on another sorcerer. Whether Merlin meant to kill the man that called him a traitor, Arthur didn’t know.

The women and children were left, and Arthur would have spared them. Merlin seemed inclined to do the same, until one lunged, and the King watched as the man he thought was his best friend became a murderer. No, he’d done this before, his actions were precise. His tears spoke volumes, of the things he had done in Arthur’s name, and the King was lost.

The girl called him the child of the Gods, and Arthur rose, reached for his sword that had been abandoned and shot a glare at his Knights. They needed to stay back, he had to do this himself.

‘I am. Sworn to the Once and Future King.’ That was him, he felt it in his blood, knew his title even though he didn’t know why. The children ran, and Merlin turned, looked to the sword pressing against his chest like he’d expected it.

Bony fingers, the ones that just cast a spell, wrapped around the blade and pulled it closer to his own chest, until Arthur watched the fabric split. Merlin kept his gaze, dropped down to his knees on the floor, like Arthur had the control here.

‘Please.’ The same word he’d offered out to them, to the people that he’d just killed. People that had been going to kill him, and then use Arthur and the Knights as leverage. He didn’t know what to think, stared at the tears on his friend’s face.

‘Kill me.’ He hadn't been expecting those words, felt the anger burn deeper in his gut.

‘Sorcerer.’ He spat it out, the word vile, because Merlin deserved so much more. Behind, he heard a Knight take a step forward. It didn’t take a genius to work out it would be either Gwaine or Lancelot, ready to defend him.

‘Do it.’ Daring, no, resigned. Merlin wanted to die, wanted him to slice through him.

‘You lied to me.’ After everything, that was what hurt. That he’d kept the secret. Did he really think that Arthur would have him executed? That he’d kill Merlin, the same clumsy idiot that followed blindly into any and all danger?

He removed his sword, turned to his Knights. He was right, it had been Gwaine that moved, his hand resting over the hilt of his sword.

‘Magic is legal in Camelot, in three days time. As you are all aware.’ His chest ached, he wanted nothing more than to be alone, yet craved Merlin’s company. He wanted to scream, to demand the manservant explain _why_.

‘He… he acted out of defence. For that, I will not punish him.’ He didn’t care that the people were dead, he’d have done the same thing if he had a sword. Perhaps the women wouldn’t have fought the Knights, but that was beyond the point. Merlin had lied to him.

‘Sire…’ Leon tried, but Arthur shook his head.

‘I will punish him for lying.’

‘He did it with your interests in heart!’ Gwaine cried, while Lancelot looked pained.

‘Then you punish me as well, for I knew.’ That hurt, Lancelot was one of his favourite Knights, and now he knew the truth. That this secret had been kept.

‘Enough! We will return to Camelot, and…’ Gwaine screamed first, and Arthur turned the moment it happened. The blade seemed to move so slowly, buried straight into his chest before Arthur could process what he was seeing. A scream sounded, this time it was not Gwaine, and only when Arthur lunged did he realise it was his own.

Merlin fell so quickly, rocked back to the moss and landed like a stone, with Arthur diving after him. His arms went to Merlin’s shoulders, begged Merlin to focus on him, but there wasn’t an ounce of recognition. Bright blue, they’d been such a vivid golden moments before, and they looked straight up at the sky.

He was crying. Tears that spilled freely, dripped down onto Merlin’s stupid shirt as he shook his shoulders.

‘Merlin.’ He blinked, sighed like he was at peace, and Arthur couldn’t have it. How dare he? He couldn’t just _leave_.

The knife was his, the one that Arthur had given him when Merlin refused not to walk into trouble. He yanked it out with ease, ignored the blood on it and let his head fall to Merlin’s chest, waited.

There was no beat, not a single one, and Arthur halted.

‘Merlin?’

‘Arthur…’ It was Sir Leon, who was staring at him with teary eyes, and it was then that it hit Arthur.

Merlin was dead. He wasn’t breathing, there wasn’t a pulse, there was nothing left. When Arthur screamed, this time he felt it, felt his voice tear free before he could even hope to stop it.

‘Please.’ But this time, his loyal manservant did not answer.


End file.
